Saturday today so Stef doesn’t have to go in to work. Hooray! Kids wanted to go to the Adventure Park (which was elemental in persuading Fran that it would be okay to move to Italy when he brought her here for a special weekend way back in November last year). I did not. Been there (well on a ski slope feeling forty-three years old and terrified and ridiculous and wishing I felt like my daredevil younger self. Knew I would feel the same faced with a tarzan rope and a canyon. Decided not to put myself through the shame and agony). So they dropped me off at Duino – the beginning of the lovely Rilke path.
First I went round the castle – like the castello di miramare it is picturesque and classically romantic. But intimate too. That’s what I love about this place. Everything is on a scale I can handle.
I made the mistake of talking to the guide, who then latched on to me and started recounting how he wanted to move to London, he was wasted in this place, he had a degree in marketing and economic politics after all. And telling me in great detail the origins of various objects and the lineage of everyone who ever stepped foot in the castle. I was never any good at history – and museums always overwhelm me (which is one of the many places that Jan Morris and I may have to part ways after all..). I always think, ‘later, another time, I’ll come back and take it all in…’ But I do love to just soak up the atmosphere of special places and relish the views and the angles and the crashing waves, and read snippets of the letters between Rilke and Maria von Thurn – the smouldering passion of their illicit love affair described historically as a ‘close friendship’ – but clearly everything but. Though unconsummated I imagine – and so all the more passionate.
As you leave the castle there is a path that winds around the Carsian cliffs, the serrated pure grey rocks in photogenic foreground to the blue blue sky. I took so many pictures. I love this new hobby! (Though still haven’t had the time or brain to transfer them onto this blog – as you can see, no longer true! have sussed it!).
The sea feels Aegean – a turquoise that could lap at Greek islands. And that feels romantic too (especially because as it reminds me of a family sailing holiday – as always I fell in love – with some 18 year old Ouzo drinker and rode around the islands on the back of his moped. My parents let me.
But apart from the romance, the thrill, the sense of being in the only place at the only time, the other memory – so powerful – was coming here with my mum and her older sister, Jenny – way back in 1993. At some point along that path, mum turned to me and told me she had had a biopsy – and was waiting for the results. She said not to worry – and continued to stay persuasively calm for the rest of the visit. But the way she blurted it out, like it was a long-held, painful secret, carried so much anxiety and fear and already a powerful sense of loss – all the things that she would lose, that she loved…that I will never forget. I think she knew then how things would go…and managed to persuade herself otherwise for the difficult months afterwards.
The Duino Elegies – that’s what Rilke wrote here, contemplated and composed no doubt while walking this path, and penned while sitting on one of the terraces of the castello – looking towards Grado, Monfalcone, Sistiana.
I think that maybe I will write my own ‘Gillian Elegies’ – to try and capture my mother – and my mother and me – the sense of loss and longing, and of love.